Random Updates as of 5th September,2008

*   I am very tired….je suis tres fatigue….I have been working too hard averaging 12 hrs a day and its getting to me….I am in charge of this atom chip project and its a pain in the ass when you are doin it all by urself…on top of that there is the scientific advisory meeting(people who fund us) and things have to squeezed out….I havent had time to go out to even watch a single movie….

* I am obsessed with two songs by Jason Mraz…….”Im yours” and “Lucky” , I tried singing them myself but someone told me to stick to research.

* I am still obsessed with Tina Fey, I watched the movie “Baby Mama” just because of her …there was Greg Kinear in the movie which is never a bad thing, because he does do his parts well….but I wouldnt say much about the movie….as funny goes…Zohan is the funniest movie I have seen in a while with Humus and Disco breaks….

The girl from zohan is very very pretty….Emmanuelle Chirqui or something…..

* People should try the ten day mental challenge thing….its just that for the next ten days you would force yourself to think positive inspite of everything…..and then it will become a habit and come naturally to you…also another thing I have found useful is planning the day ahead the night before using google calendar…..

* I am gonna get a  inflation compensation package of 300 dollars the next month….Planning to buy an Iphone 3G with it…its hard to be in singapore without gps(yaahhh right)

* I cant be bothered with the US elections because it has completely lost its merit with the addition of Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska….I think Mc cain would be a stronger and better president but just that he is too old and Sarah Palin might end up being the president which wont be a good things…Im not sure how long the Obama magic will last but it might be enough to make him win the elections….

* I have completed 1.5 yrs of my PhD and still have another 2.5 yrs to go..It should be like a celebrity make over thing…the before and after pic…..in 4 yrs how I will change….

 

Borderline Quaterlife Crisis Syndrome(BQCS)

I am almost 24 and absolutely clueless about life. I don’t belong anywhere, I don’t have pictures labeled “Good Times” and I did not have any belonging which I miss. I have taken life as it came, good, bad and really bad. I am not overtly patriotic, political,religious,sentimental or nostalgic. I really have no clue how my life turned out to be the way it is and no clue what is going to happen next to it. I am not sure about anything except that I have to complete my Phd in 3 years. Where I am going to live, who am I going to live with or what I am going to do are pointless questions to me because there is nothing you can do about it. I guess I am just suffering from Borderline Quaterlife Crisis.

Why is it so difficult to dream when you grow older? Or on the other hand why does everything happening to you feel like a real long dream. Only thing I remember distinctly was going from first grade to second grade. After that was a superfast nightmare which is still going on and I have no control over it. Things are spinning out of control, you are in places you did not plan to go to, people you knew for so long are growing old and dieing, you feel like a stranger in your old city when you go back. This is really a time of my life when I feel like I have no control over how life is just slipping away at a super fast pace and I have lost the power to dream.

Life is feeling like an endless quest for greener pastures. Once you are there you realize there are too many cows there already and you don’t feel special anymore. All we are doing is an endless run to be special, to be different. True that one day we will look back and see what we have achieved but it will also come with an immense sense of loss from the things gone while we were struggling with our heads down. You feel you are growing older and whatever you have achieved now is still not enough and you have to keep on going. But in course you have to leave behind the people you love, in case my grandparents whom I cant meet more than once a year, you remove all emotions from your life because you don’t have the time to grieve when you are hurt. You keep suppressing all this pain and keep moving on because this is what life expects you to do. I really don’t know when this floodgate of emotions will open and I really have to face my own feelings. Now its easy to suppress all the hurt and pain and replace them with anger . Anger is easy to handle because all I choose is one innocent victim and a reason to just vent all my anger on them. This is wrong but thats all I can do to keep on functioning. Sometimes I wish life came with a manual so I knew how to handle situations.

 

Where do you get your Ya Ya s to survive?

Its a uninteresting tuesday night Im sitting on my desk with a 1000 page atomic physics text book open at my side. Im distracted, de motivated and although Im not particularly upset , I just cant make myself read the stuff although I know i desperately need to. Its just Im out of Ya Yas.

“Ya Yas” as my dictionary puts is the things we get kicks from. I don’t know how other people survive but I really need kicks to keep on going. And on the unhappier side of the week Im out of it.

Day started uninterestingly with my atom chip experiment with me stringing optical fibers from one optic table to another. I attended two talks today, one extremely relevant on atom chips by Bjorn and another on simulating quantum mechanics with electronic circuits in microwave regime. I came back home but simply cant go on with the studying because I just don’t feel good.

I cant really find an instant feel good solution right now. The Hell boy movie last week did not work and the wedding on sunday did nothing to help it. Hopefully the Dark Knight movie releasing on thursday would do it for me. I have decided to ease on other shallow sources like alcohol and flattery from girls. Trying to lead a good life is really tough. Im out of things to make me feel good. On top of that the summer writers break at hollywood has resulted in all the sitcoms  halted at episode 17 or something.

Hopefully running tommorow will give me a kick followed by dark knight on thursday will help me survive the week. This is what life is for me one movie after the other to just keep on going.